Star Wars: Episode II: Attack of the Clones

                On to Episode II. Should I really be linking to the Amazon page here? Does it offend anybody? Just curious.

                So the title crawl says that thousands of systems are leaving the Republic. Why? What do they want? What is their reason for leaving? Anyway, the Senate must vote on the critical issue of creating an ARMY OF THE REPUBLIC. Yeah, it’s capitalized just like that for some reason. Nothing else in the text is emphasized in that way. In fact, none of the other crawls in the other films does that except A New Hope (DEATH STAR) and ROTJ (GALACTIC EMPIRE). Those are two-word names for important pieces of the story while this is four words (including two unimportant ones). If George had simply done a rewrite to be more consistent and not, well, weird, it could have read REPUBLIC ARMY. Leaving it the way it is just seems bizarre and out of place.

                Amidala is on her way back to the Senate to vote on the ARMY OF THE REPUBLIC. We open on another boring shot of ships lazily drifting toward their destinations. The sky is very foggy, oddly enough. You’d think if they can literally turn a whole planet into a giant city, they’d also be able to control the weather. We’ve seen extremely advanced technology, but they don’t seem to be able to do this one simple thing. How many accidents are there on such foggy days?

 After the ship lands, a guy with an eye-patch (is he supposed to be the same black guy from the first film, just played by another actor? seriously, they never explain this) says that maybe there was nothing to be afraid of after all.

                BOOM!!!

                The ship blows up and Padmé runs over to her injured decoy. (She still has those? Is it like a Secret Service thing where, after you stop being Queen, you still have decoys to protect you? Do other Senators have decoys? Did Palpatine, the previous Senator of Naboo?) The decoy says, “M’Lady. So sorry. I’ve failed you, Senator.” How? You did your job!

                Well, after her decoy made her wash R2-D2 in the last film, no wonder Padmé knowingly put her  in harm’s way.

                The Jedi meet with Palpatine and he says more systems may leave the Republic. (WHY!!!???) He asks Yoda if it will come to war (explain, George, explain!) and Yoda tightly shuts his eyes and says that the future is clouded by the Dark Side. When he says, “Impossible to see, the future is,” the look on his face is like when someone is being sarcastic or something. I think he’s lying.

                A hologram appears and says via subtitles that the Loyalist Committee has arrived and calls Palpatine, “Your Honour” with the British spelling for some reason. Palpatine says to send them in.

                So Padmé and those with her come in and—JAR JAR!?     
                NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!! (Too soon?)

                Yoda tells Animalia that after her near-death on the landing platform, “seeing you brings warm feelings to my heart.” Why does it sound a bit creepy when he says it?

                Anyway, Palpatine suggests that Padmé be put under the protection of the Jedi and they suggest Obi-Wan since he’s back from a border dispute. Like I said in the last review, don’t the Jedi have better things to do?

                We catch up with Obi-Wan and Anakin in an elevator where they proceed to have some bad acting and act like friends, all the while Ani is already being arrogant and disrespectful. They must nearly have a heart attack when they step off the elevator, since Jar Jar of all beings in the universe is standing there waiting for them.

                When Padmé comes to see, she says, “Ani? My goodness you’ve grown!” No, duh! It’s been 10 years. For that matter, Miss Amidala, why are you still practically the same age? They must have some really good anti-aging formulas on Coruscant. Anakin replies to her remark, “So have you.” Ugh.

                Amidala retorts, “Ani, you’ll always be that little boy I knew on Tatooine.” Ooh! Burn!

                They talk about the attempt on Padmé’s life and Anakin is not willing to follow Kenobi’s orders.  He starts arguing with him. Good friend indeed.

                Amidala retires and Anakin is angry. He’s thought about her everyday since he met her (creepy overkill for a childhood crush, eh?) and is upset that she barely recognized him. Even though it’s been TEN YEARS!! Gah! Anakin is stupid.

                A bounty hunter tells an assassin that his client wants the job done with no mistakes.

                So the Jedi are using Padmé herself as bait (supposedly her own idea) to draw out the assassin. So she’s in her room. Alone. Where the Jedi can do nothing if something happens. Anakin complains that “she covered the cameras. I don’t think she liked me watching her!” Um, my arms just turned to gooseflesh and the hair on my neck is standing on end. Anybody else have that problem?

                “I can sense everything going on in that room.” But she’s just sleeping! *Shiver*

                The assassin sends a droid to where Amidala is. Anakin says he keeps dreaming of his mother, troubling dreams. Wait, they never went back for her? Anakin never thought to go back? What of his dream to free all the slaves? Obi-Wan replies that dreams pass in time. Implying that his mother doesn’t matter? He should forget all about her? I’m beginning to wonder about Obi-Wan…

                Ani continues that he’d much rather dream about Padmé. “Just being around her again is…intoxicating.” Umm… Obi-Wan, do something!

                While Obi-Wan brings up his point that politicians are untrustworthy, the droid cuts a hole in the window and releases two presumably poisonous centipedes. So basically, it’s Obi-Wan’s fault that Padmé is in danger because he kept the argument going when he could’ve just said, “Be careful of your thoughts.” And that would have been the end of it.

                While Obi-Wan is talking, Ani says, “Not another lecture. At least not on economics and politics.” Yeah, because that makes for a boring movie! George!!!

                At one point the poisonous things make sure to get out of sight when R2-D2’s scan goes by. What, are they supposed to be intelligent beings or something?

                The two Jedi barely sense the danger right before the things bite Padmé or whatever they were supposed to do. I’m thinking their powers aren’t as wonderful as portrayed. Anakin storms in and swings his lightsaber, killing the creatures. The problem is, in the process, he accidentally slices the Senator in two. Well, he almost does, ani-way.

                Obi-Wan takes a page from Anakin’s Book of Rash Actions and jumps through the window, just barely grabbing hold of the droid as it flies off. A car passes and the driver says, “What the—”  You know, George, cartoony aliens reacting in “hilarious” ways kind of dispels any tension that would otherwise be here. Another car drives by with more cartoony aliens seeing Obi-Wan go by and the passenger says, “Jedi koojoo!” or something like that. How’d he know that was a Jedi and not some idiot doing some kind of reckless stunt? Oh, right.

 The assassin takes a large rifle and shoots the droid down. Obi-Wan barely survives because Ani happened to drive a hovercar to a spot right under him.

                Speaking of the assassin, so this mysterious client hires Jango Fett, a bounty hunter (spoilers!), who then hires an assassin with a gun, who, instead of using said gun for a clean and quick kill, sends a droid, which dispenses two poisonous things, which nearly bite Padmé. Was this really Plan A? Was there no easier way?

                So a long and boring chase ensues. Anakin takes a nose-dive to follow the assassin and is about to crash into some CGI thing and Obi-Wan says, “Pull up!” Ani just laughs maniacally. Are you sure that he is the Chosen One?

                The assassin shoots something, somehow knowing it will create a web of electricity that the Jedi drive straight through. They lose the assassin’s vehicle.

Then Anakin purposely fall into oncoming traffic because he has a death wish I guess and just happens to land on the assassin’s vehicle. How convenient. He starts cutting through the roof with his lightsaber and she shoots back. He drops his lightsaber and Obi-Wan magically catches it. He makes the assassin shoot the controls and the car crashes and the assassin dashes into a bar.

Anakin begins to follow, but Obi-Wan stops him, saying she went in there to hide. How do you know? He hands Ani his lightsaber and says not to lose it again—“this weapon is your life.”

As they head inside, Obi-Wan says, “Why do I get the feeling you’re going to be the death of me?” Obvious foreshadowing is obvious.

We see on some screens sports very much like earth sports: something that looks like football, some kind of horse racing or something, and…podracing? While Anakin looks for the assassin, Obi-Wan goes to get a drink. Learning from Qui-Gon, I see.

A man tries to sell him death sticks, but Obi-Wan uses his Jedi mind trick and makes him give them all to him. After the dealer leaves, he lights up and says he hasn’t felt this happy in years.

Okay, not really. But when the assassin comes near Obi-Wan (nice job finding her, Ani) he slices her hand off and they take her outside where a dart kills her before she can say who hired her. The bounty hunter flies away on his jet pack.

Oh, and the assassin can change shape. But that has nothing to do with anything. To utilize this idea, George should have made the bounty hunter take on the shape of, say, one of Padmé’s decoys and knock on the door. Then, when let in, shoot her. To sneak out, take on someone else’s shape. But no, he decided to put something he thought was a “cool” idea for no reason.

In the Jedi Council, Yoda tells Obi-Wan and Anakin that they need to find out who was behind the attempt on Amidala’s life and that she still needs protection. For some reason they will take her back to her home planet rather than some random planet that her assassin wouldn’t think to find her. Mace Windu tells Anakin to travel in unregistered vehicles as refugees. That won’t keep the bounty hunter from thinking to find her on Naboo, you idiots. So Anakin gets his own mission. God help us all.

In the background of this scene, there is a Jedi Master with tentacles that are squirming around. Very unsettling. And Yaddle is not there. Something must have happened to her.

Yoda, Obi-Wan, and Windu are talking about Anakin’s mission and how he is arrogant. Yoda says even many older Jedi are arrogant these days. I guess that explains why they’re all pricks. Windu says that Anakin is probably the one the Prophecy spoke of, who will bring balance to the Force. What prophecy? If the prophecy is so important, why does no one mention it during the original trilogy?

Padmé prepares Jar Jar for taking over her duties in her absence. Why would you do that!?

Anakin talks with Padmé as she packs. He just complains some more about how Obi-Wan’s not fair and won’t let him move on. He’s better than him!! Whiny whine whine. Good friend indeed.

During his talking about himself and ignoring Padmé, two droids come to the window and hover there, looking in. After a moment they leave. Anakin doesn’t notice. What if they were dangerous like the one earlier, or what if they were for spying like the one Darth Maul used in the last film (that I didn’t bother to mention in that review because it didn’t contribute to anything)?

Towards the end of the scene, Anakin gets close to Padmé. She says, “Please don’t look at me like that.” Ani asks why not. She answers, “It makes me feel uncomfortable.” As she walks out of frame, Anakin has this disturbing leer on his face. *Shudder*

Obi-Wan and Padmé’s people are on a bus with her and Ani, to say goodbye. They get off the bus thing and I can’t believe what Padmé is wearing. Does she WANT to attract attention? Obi-Wan expresses concerns that Ani might try something. No kidding. But the guy with an eye-patch says he’s more concerned that she might do something. Wha--? Ani is the creepy pervert here.

Obi-Wan then goes to see an old friend who can help identify the dart used to kill the assassin…in a 50s diner!? What in the galaxy is that doing in my Star Wars movie!? Did scripts get mixed up? Did the computer animators from another movie accidentally work on this one at some point?

Anyway, his friend is a disgusting brown blob of fake CGI with his behind hanging out. I won’t be eating there any time soon. Apparently this thing has worked in prospecting on a planet called Kamino and says that that’s where the dart is from. The Kaminoans are cloners and like lots of money. Obi-Wan is racist against droids and implies that droids can’t think even though R2-D2 and C-3PO prove otherwise. The brown thing gives Obi-Wan coordinates to the planet, but instead of going straight there, a stupid subplot that wastes screen time ensues.

To start with, Obi-Wan goes into a vast library and looks for the system. Maybe he wants to read up on Kamino before going there (he ends up not doing so anyway, which is why this is pointless). But the planet is not in the records.

On the ship Anakin and Padmé are traveling on, R2-D2 is at the bar to get drinks for them or something, but is told that droids aren’t allowed there…by a droid. Think, George, think!

                Anakin says attachment is forbidden, but bends the words of the Jedi to say they’re encouraged to love. Then Anakin says that she looks just as he remembers in his dreams. Padmé looks unnerved. I’m telling you, future serial killer.

                Meanwhile, to continue with the stupid plot thread, Obi-Wan goes to Yoda who’s in the middle of training children with lightsabers. They’re younger than Anakin was, so the implications of when they start training are unsettling. Obi-Wan explains that he can’t find the planet he knows should be there. Maybe the Daleks took it. He says evidence of the gravitational pull is there but the planet isn’t in the records. It takes a child to point out that the data was erased! These films make the Jedi seem worse and worse all the time. I’m not sure that the originals can even redeem them now. Yoda goes on to explain that it’s impossible to delete data from the archives unless you’re a Jedi (what about computer-savvy, trouble-making teenagers?). He tells Obi-Wan what he should have done in the first place: go to the coordinates.

                On Naboo, Padmé says she wasn’t the youngest queen ever elected and isn’t sure she was ready. The elected queen thing again? And wait—there were queens younger than 14 years old!? No wonder they didn’t have an army to defend themselves! Some naïve kid probably thought it would be nice to get rid of the army because that would somehow mean there couldn’t ever be any wars. That obviously worked out well. I’m beginning to conclude that every single person in the Star Wars galaxy is a moron. No wonder Palpatine takes over so easily (oops—spoilers!).

                Also, R2-D2 can apparently navigate stairs. Wait, why do they still have that repair droid with them? It helped them once and now they take it everywhere?

                Padmé tells the new queen of her fears that whatever recent events there have been could lead to war. (Would be nice to have things explained!) The guy with the beard from the last film says war is impossible, as there hasn’t been one since the Republic was founded 1000 years ago. No war for a thousand years? We’re talking about humans who have wars all the time amongst themselves, and we’ve also seen individuals and races who don’t seem to take kindly to humans. No war. Totally believable.

                Padmé thinks the Separatists will go to the Trade Federations and Commerce Guilds for help…with something. Trade Federations, plural? If that’s so, then why was the one in the last film just called THE Trade Federation!? Also, somehow Nute Gunray is still Viceroy of the Trade Federation (singular again?). So we have an older Obi-Wan who’s changed over the last decade; Anakin is also quite different and so is like a different character. Nute Gunray is still Viceroy of the Trade Federation. This movie has Palpatine orchestrating a conflict to maneuver himself into a position of more power, just like the last film. The only thing of significance to the story that happened in Episode I was that Palpatine became the new Chancellor, which could have simply happened at the beginning of this one! The whole last movie is completely pointless!!! George Lucas HOW DARE YOU WASTE OUR TIME IN SUCH A MANNER!!!!!!!!!

                >Clears throat<

                Anyway. Padmé wants to go to the country where it’s isolated but Anakin is rude and interrupts her and says, “I’m in charge! Wahhh! Waaah!!”

                Obi-Wan goes to the coordinates and—surprise! The planet’s there!!!

                He goes to the surface and is let into a building surrounded by water. A long-necked alien meets him and says he’s expected and that another wants to see him. That is the Prime Minister of Kamino. Obi-Wan and the Longnecks talk about how a clone army for the Republic is nearly ready. The order came from an old Jedi…who is long dead. Suspicious…

                Cue boring and pointless scenes between Padmé and Anakin that don’t convince me they are falling in love. The stupid dialogue includes gems like, “I love the water.” She mentions sand and Ani says, “I don’t like sand.” Seriously, George? “It’s rough and coarse and gets everywhere. Here everything is soft…and smooth.” At that he touches Padmé. Run, Padmé! Run!

                Then Ani moves in for a kiss and she lets him. After being disturbed and disgusted she lets him KISS her!? Then she immediately changes her mind again and says she shouldn’t do that. She’s a fickle idiot. Or, you might say, a “fidiot.”

                And if she’s really so averse to his attentions, why does she dress the way she does?

                Back at the cloning facility, the Longnecks tell Obi-Wan that clone soldiers are much better than droids (no, really?) and that they accelerate their growth so they are ready in half the time. They also have a rigorous education program to teach them all they need to know for their future as dispensable men. Then, the female Longneck (or male?) says this: “We modified their genetic structure to be less independent than their host.” GENETICS DON’T WORK THAT WAY!!! Sure, some creatures naturally stick together in groups and depend on each other more than other creatures. But with humans, your independence depends on your environment, what you learn, what you believe, etc. Why didn’t Mr. Lucas simply say that their being less dependent was a result of their education techniques (i.e., brainwashing)?

                The host is a bounty hunter named Boba—I mean, Jango Fett (really, it doesn’t matter at all to the story whether Jango Fett or Boba Fett is the bounty hunter; we don’t learn much about either anyway, and they’re not that important to the plot) who lives in the facility.

                After the Longnecks show Obi-Wan the huge army, we cut to—NO!! Not more Padmé and Anakin! This time they’re in a field. Talking about…Padmé’s old crushes? George…

                Ani then talks about how it’s terrible that there are disagreements in politics all the time. They should be made to agree. Like a dictatorship. Fascism alert!  Padmé points this out, and Ani says, “Well, if it works.” And they begin laughing. I’m beginning to wonder if Padmé also would’ve gone to the dark side if she had happened to have lots of midichlorians.

                Then they romp in the fields with some tapir-looking creatures that are almost as fat as my cat. Then more nonsense and giggling like schoolgirls. Ugh.

                Then for no reason we see a pterodactyl flying near the secret facility!? What is this, Torchwood? Anyway, Obi talks to Jango (seriously, what’s up with these names?) and the bounty hunter claims that he had nothing to do with the assassination attempt (he doesn’t actually say that, but it’s implied). Bobo the clown hides the armor that would give away he’s lying (even though it’s already obvious). Jango is apparently from New Zealand. He says he was recruited by a man named Tyranus. As Obi-Wan is leaving, Jango says, “It’s always nice to meet a Jedi.” Then right on cue there is a menacing drumroll and a thunderclap. Okay.

                Back on Naboo (you hate us, don’t you, George?), Ani and Padi are eating a meal of…one pear? It’s on Animalia’s plate and he floats it over to his own and starts cutting it. “If Master Obi-Wan caught me doing this, he’d be vewy gwumpy!” What, are we five? Then we cut to later in the evening. They’re sitting on a couch.  Ani tells Padmé that, “I’m in agony. The closer I get to you, the worse it gets. The thought of not being with you…I can’t breathe. I’m haunted by the kiss that you should never have given me. […] You are in my very soul, tormenting me!”  The way he says it gives me the shivers. Serial killer alert!

                Padm­é says she can’t be in a relationship with him, even though she’s not a Jedi. She doesn’t have to follow the rule that says you have to forsake all natural human contact. “We live in a real world.” (ROFL) They don’t want to have to keep their marriage a secret…wait. They’re seriously considering getting married when they’ve only gotten to know each other over a few days!?

                Obi-Wan sends a transmission to Pepper-Spray Windy and Yoda, telling everything he’s learned. Turns out that the Jedi who supposedly gave the order for the clone army died BEFORE the order was given. Yoda says they were blind not to see the army’s creation. Windu suggests that they tell the Senate that they are not as strong in the Force as before. Yoda says only the Dark Lord of the Sith knows that (somehow) and that they shouldn’t reveal their weakness. No wonder the Republic fell! The set-up of the system is odd and doesn’t make sense, incompetent and corrupt people run it, and the Jedi are weak yet arrogant.

                Ani has a nightmare about his mother. The next day Padmé comes to see him and Anakin says he feels he needs to go help his mother, since she’s in danger. Padmé agrees to go with him to Tatooine.

                On Kamino, Obi-Wan comes upon Jango and Boba ready to leave. Jango starts fighting him and Boba gets in the ship and fires at Obi-Wan. They escape.

                On Tatooine, Ani and iPad go to Watto. Mleh. He says he sold Ani’s mother years ago to a man who freed and married her. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the man who did more than the Jedi ever did to help these slaves, including Anakin himself, Lars!

                Obi-Wan follows the Fetts into a group of asteroids orbiting another planet. There Jango fires seismic charges at the Jedi a few times, then goes into a tunnel through one of the rocks. How’d he know there’d be an opening on the other side? If there wasn’t, he could have been trapped and Obi-Wan would have captured him. He escapes again (I don’t think Obi-Wan is very good at this) and goes down to the planet while Kenobi hides out of view. Then he goes down as well.

                The idiot and the padawan find the moisture farm of the Larses. C-3PO is there and calls Anakin “the Maker.” Lars’ son Owen and his girlfriend Beru are there for no particular reason.  Owen’s father tells Ani that his mother was taken by sandpeople. Anakin wants to go find her, but Owen wants him to stay. Just kidding. Owen doesn’t really do or say anything because… (Why's he in this film?)

                So Ani tells Padmé to stay with the Larses while he goes on his hoverbike to find his mother. When he’s talking to her, however, the camera shows only their shadows for some reason. Ani goes on his way. Hey, look! Jawas!

                Meanwhile on Geonosis, Obi-Wan ventures into a cave.He sees a sort of factory where battle droids are being made. Really? Why!? They are USELESS!!! Gaaahhhh!!!

 He hears talking and hides while watching a group of individuals walk by, of various races. They all look weird. I don’t like them.  The Viceroy of the Trade Federation is among them and says he wants Amidala dead. What happened to the Nute Gunray who wanted to follow Republic laws so as not to get into trouble? Oh, yeah. That whole film doesn’t matter anymore.

Then a guy with a robotic voice says that with these battle droids, Count Dooku will have “the finest army in the galaxy.” Are we talking about the same army here? Because those are BATTLE DROIDS!!!!!

Count Dooku says he thinks 10,000 more systems will join them with these guys’ support. There is a weird guy that looks like a cross between a Smurf and the Green Goblin. Some odd-looking thing with a mechanical suit says that “the Techno Union Army” is at his disposal. Another guy with a smashed face says something about the Banking Clan. Techno Union Army? Banking Clan? Wha--?

Dooku says the Republic will be overwhelmed and meet their demands. Even though they don’t appear to want anything.

On Tatooine, Anakin finds the Tusken Raider encampment and happens to go straight to the right tent. He takes his mother down off whatever she was tied to and she says she’s proud of him. For what? He hasn’t done anything worthwhile and never will! His mother apparently kindly waited for his arrival before dying, because after his arrival she dies. Ani gets vewy gwumpy and starts killing sandpeople.

Yoda senses this and we hear Qui-Gon say, “Anakin! Anakin!” That’s real helpful, calling his name. Tell him what he’s doing wrong, you dope! Right after the second “Anakin!” we hear another voice saying, “Noooo!” as if the speaker is constipated. You’re very strange, George Lucas.

Windy walks in and Toyota says that Skywalker is in great pain! Nah, really? Get outta here!

Obi-Wan tries to transmit a message to Coruscant but it’s too far, so he sends it to Anakin so he can forward the e-mail to whoever it’s supposed to go to. I wasn’t paying attention. These films are boring. Oh, he also finds out in the process that Ani left Naboo without permission. Ani brings his dead mother home.

Later he’s in the room that Luke will be in two films from now and fixing things. “I’m good at fixing things.” Oh, here we go. Hold onto your butts.  “Why’d she have to die? Why couldn’t I save her! I know I could have!” “You’re not all powerful, Ani.” “Well, I should be! […] Someday I’ll be the MOST POWERFUL JEDI EVARRR!!!1!!!!11! […] I’ll even learn to stop people from dying!” He’s sounding more like a child all the time. Back in Episode I he didn’t act this childish, and he was a child then! “It’s all Obi-Wan’s fault!” Good friend, indeed.

                Anakin then reveals that he killed all the sandpeople. Not just the men, but the women and the children, too. He says he “slaughtered them like animals.”  I TOLD YOU!! Future serial killer! I called it! But instead of backing away in horror, Padmé simply says, “To be angry is to be human.” WHAHT. O_O Screw you too, Padmé!

They have a funeral and R2 interrupts because he has Obi-Wan’s message. They retransmit it to Coruscant. As he tells what he has learned, he whips out his lightsaber and a droid comes into view, shooting at him. Mace tells Ani to stay where he is while the Jedi check out what happened. “Protect the Senator at all costs.” Who knew that Samuel L. Jackson could make you fall asleep with his acting?

The Senator suggests they go after Obi-Wan as the Jedi have to go halfway across the galaxy and won’t get there in time. They take C-3PO and R2-D2 along for some reason.

On Coruscant, they discuss that Count Dooku and those following him are preparing for war. A weird looking three-eyed alien says the debate is over and they must approve an ARMY OF THE REPUBLIC. The blue, horned advisor to Chancellor Palpatine (subtle!) suggests the Senate vote in emergency powers for the Chancellor. Ovaltine asks, “But what Senator would propose such a radical amendment?” The blue devil replies, “If only Senator Amidala were here,” thus guilt-tripping Jar Jar into proposing it in her stead. SEE!? This is why Amidala leaving Jar Jar in her place was a bad idea! He doesn’t even understand her position on the issues, since she was coming to Coruscant to vote against it in the first place (that itself is foolish, since no army means no defense against any kind of outside attack; stupid Naboo!).

Obi-Wan is trapped in some kind of field on Geonosis after being captures and Doodoo arrives to claim this is all a terrible mistake (though he’s obviously lying). Kenobi says he was tracking Jango and Doodoo says there are no bounty hunters here. He then goes on to claim Qui-Gon would join him. Obi-Wan cries: “Qui-Gon would never join you!” Dooku retorts, “Don’t be so sure.” Yeah, if he’s drunk enough, Jinn might do anything. “He was once my apprentice as you were once his.” Wait—Jinn studied under Dooku!? No wonder everything is turning out badly! Traitorous Dooku trained Jinn, drunk and badly trained Jinn trains Kenobi, badly trained and liar Kenobi trains Skywalker, Skywalker can’t help but fall to the Dark Side!

Dooku admits a Sith Lord, Darth Sidious, is in control of the Senate, but Obi-Wan the Idiot decides not to believe him. Even though that would help explain what is going on, not to mention THEY KNOW A SITH IS STILL OUT THERE! Christopher Lee says the Viceroy came to him after being betrayed by Darth Sidious in the last film.“You must join me, Obi-Wan, and together we will rule the galax—er—destroy the Sith!” “I will never join you!” What a clumsy and obvious way to shoehorn a reference to the original trilogy.

In the Senate Jar Jar is proposing the emergency powers. “Dellow felegates!” *facepalm* They cheer this proposal, even though they are agreeing to a dictatorship. Not sure how they even understood Jar Jar in the first place. Palpatine says he’s reluctant to take up the new powers and says his first act is to create an ARMY OF THE REPUBLIC to counter the demands of the Separatists (WHAT DEMANDS!?). Why did they give Palpatine extra power instead of voting for the army themselves? Sounds like Amidala was the only one against it anyway. Incompetent people.

 Yoda and Wendy don’t like the situation so Yoda says he’s going to check out this clone army. He seems to be smiling as he says this. Hmm… Wendy will take other Jedi to Geonosis. They haven’t left yet? Oh, yeah. They REALLY care about each other. Oh, right. No emotions allowed.  Also, is that the annoying yellow flying robot from Flubber?

Ani and iPad arrive on Geonosis and land the ship in some vents to hide it. Hey! Something fairly sensible! Of course, that’s not going to last long. C-3PO tells R2 that if the humans wanted help they would ask for it. Which is why they are not in the remainder of this film.

The humans go through a door that automatically opens for them. I guess the Geonosians have no concept of security? R2 and 3PO argue for a moment, and 3PO points out once again that R2-D2 is a mechanic, so WHY DID THE HUMANS TAKE HIM TO NABOO IN THE FIRST PLACE!?!? In the cave bat things pop out (apparently Geonosians) and they are quite visible but Anakin doesn’t sense them until they’re almost upon him. Figures, given the line of training we discovered earlier.

They go through another door and fall onto a conveyor belt. (That’s another problem with these films—a lot of the technology, even alien technology, is rather like ours. Conveyor belts, cars, pubs, football on TV screens, the holograms aren’t too different from Skype, etc. Maybe human technology and society has had a major influence on the galaxy? More creativity should have been utilized.) With the humans on the conveyor belt, another videogame ensues where Anakin must dodge Geonosian attacks and kill them while Padmé must dodge the Thwomps…I mean, smashy thingies.

Here we see R2-D2’s true nature. R2 and 3PO come in through the doorway and R2 intentionally knocks 3PO down there for no reason whatsoever. He falls and lands on a flying droid who tosses him onto a conveyor belt. Also, R2-D2 can fly now. Would’ve come in handy in the original trilogy, probably. He’s a jerk. And during his own ordeal, 3PO expresses worry for him. It’s no use 3PO, R2 hates you.

R2 flies toward Padmé who’s gotten herself stuck in a pot that boiling hot metal is going to pour into at any moment. 3PO’s head is knocked off and replaced by a battle droid head, while his head is put onto a battle droid’s body. This is s lame attempt at slapstick which really dispels any tension from the big battle coming up. Ani is knocked back and his arm covered in metal. FORESHADOWING!!! That little twerp R2 waits for the last possible moment before stopping the machine to save Padmé.

Ani’s lightsaber gets cut in two as he finally gets his hand free, and he quips, “Not again! Obi-Wan’s gonna kill me.” Ha! Ha! It’s not like there’s a great wrong you committed hanging over your head!

So they’re captured by Jango and the Droids (I thought of the band name first! And I’ll never use it…) and there’s still too much movie left. When’s this going to end!? Ani and iPad are tied up and about to be led into an arena. More sappy dialogue as iPad says she’s not afraid to die, but that she’s been dying a little bit each day since Ani came back into her life. Ooh! Burn! Oh, wait. She means she loves him. So love makes her die inside?

They are led into the arena and see Obi-Wan being led there too. They are tied to separate posts and await monsters to be unleashed to kill and eat them. You’d think the Jedi or the Senate would have outlawed such practices long ago. I doubt the entire race (which appears to all be in the audience) would agree to the gladiator games, much less the other races also present. Then again, it seems everyone in the galaxy is an idiot, so who knows?

Also, Padmé somehow has a lock pick, which she hides in her mouth. Obi-Wan and Ani trade angry sarcasm, leading me to believe they hate each other. Good friend, indeed.

Dooki and a Geonosian step out on a balcony to oversee the games and there are subtitle mishaps: Settle down Settle down

I guess they’re just too good for proper punctuation!

The monsters are released—a 3-horned rhino, a big-mouthed Siberian tiger, and a spider-thing. What, no rancor? Obi fights the spider, and ends up getting free. Ani tames and rides the rhino, and Padmé climbs to the top of her post where she whacks the cat. She swings down on her chain and kicks it, at which point Gunray says, “She can’t do that! Shoot her or something!”

 Why does he want her dead so badly? He’s apparently the one behind the attempts on her life, but people wanted her dead because of her stance against the creation of the ARMY OF THE REPUBLIC. But Nute is on the Separatist side. He WANTS the Republic to have an army to fight back with? Wha--!?

iPad ends up on the rhino along with Ani. Then Mace and his Jedi finally show up. They look like idiots waving their arms about willy-nilly. Seriously, George. You didn’t give chroreography to the extras? Mace says, “This party’s over.” Um, I thought this took place a long time ago in galaxy far, far away.  Weird.  Dooku tells Mace that he’s impossibly outnumbered. Then battle droids step out and…these things actually look menacing! They’re bigger than the ones in the last movie. Maybe they’ll actually do some damage!

Nope. Nevermind. These idiots just use the plain old useless ones against the Jedi. More fighting… Mace fights Jango and slices his head off. Goodbye! See you in Episode IV and Episode VI! Hey, Jango and Boba are literally the same person, so this doesn’t really matter. The slapstick with C-3PO doesn’t make me laugh, but it does bring up an odd question. It appears that the heads and bodies of droids are programmed separately, otherwise the head of 3PO would be able to keep the battle droid body from firing. How does that work!?

The bad jokes and ridiculous fighting seem like a parody of the prequels. But it’s not.

Obi-Wan faces some battle droids who say that blasted catch phrase again! “Roger, roger.” Stop it! Stop it!! STOP IT!!! Also, their reactions are what alert Obi-Wan to the presence of the spider-thing behind him. I see that Qui-Gon taught you well.

R2 uses a magnet to pull off C-3PO’s head and drag it over to his body for reattachment. I’m surprised it didn’t scramble 3PO’s brains. There are some stupid puns. The Jedi are surrounded and Dooku tells them to surrender. They refuse, and…

CLONES EX MACHINA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

They literally come from nowhere and happen to show up just when they’re needed most. I also find it rather telling that the Jedi use men who were literally bred for war to be used as disposable soldiers. This fits quite well with their uncaring attitude toward the slaves on Tatooine.

The clones wipe out the droids. The Jedi climb onto the clone ships. C-3PO sits up and says he’s had the most peculiar dream. Do androids dream of electric sheep? Boba picks up his father’s head. Eww… The Jedi head out to try to keep Dooku from escaping.

Meanwhile, Dooku wonders aloud to his Geonosian allies how the Jedi could have come up with such an army so quickly. Surely he knows what Sidious is up to (being his apprentice and all)? Or this makes even less sense.

The clones blow stuff up, blah, blah, blah. Mace gets off and joins clones and other Jedi on the ground. Yoda gets off elsewhere, where he is told that all forward positions are advancing. To this, he says, “Very good. Very good.” But the way he says it comes across as though some larger plan is coming together…

The Geonosian leader wants to order a retreat, but Dooku says his master (presumably Sidious) “would never allow the Republic to get away with this treachery.” What are you talking about? Using previously unauthorized clones (which his master then authorized)? Fighting to keep the Republic together (which his master ordered in the first place)? This really makes no sense.

They decide that Dooku must take the plans for the ultimate weapon so the Jedi don’t find out about it. That weapon is…the DEATH STAR.

We see the Count heading to the hangar bay while clones blow more stuff up. And just like the last film, the effects seem to be of lower quality as we get toward the end. Is it my imagination? Surely George didn’t run out of money… (Heh. I said, “Shirley George.”)

The ship Ani and Obi are on gets hit and Padmé falls off. Hooray! Ani argues with Obi some more. Good friend, indeed, blah, blah, blah. They reach the hangar bay before Dooku can leave. Padmé tells a clone trooper to gather troops and get to the hangar as well. When the Jedi reach Dooku, Obi says that they’ll go in together (in Dooku’s earshot, I might add), but Ani dashes in too soon and gets blasted by Force lightning and slammed against a wall. Too bad he didn’t die to spare us Episode III.

Obi fights, Dooku taunts his abilities, then he slashes minor wounds into Obi’s arm and leg. Obi-Wan collapses, but as Dooku raises his lightsaber to strike the deathblow, Ani jumps in and blocks it. He ends up with two sabers (Obi-Wan tosses him his) and fights some more until Dooku cuts his arm off and pushes him out of the way.

Then Yoda shows up. Dooku tells Yoda that he’s interfered in their affairs for the last time. Huh? This is the first time! Yoda and Dooku use telekinesis—I mean, the Force—to throw things at each other. Dooku then shoots lightning at him, but Yoda catches it and--throws it back!? Hmm…

Yoda senses the Dark Side in him. Dooku says that obviously knowledge of the Force won’t let either gain the upper hand, but rather lightsaber skills. So if lightsaber skills are separate from the Force, why does no one but Jedi use them? Anyway, so Yoda starts flipping and bouncing around like a frog on meth and it is the funniest thing to watch. Are these movies supposed to be taken seriously anymore, or have they descended fully into pure comedy? Toward the end of the fight, Yoda calls Dooku his old padawan. So Yoda goes at the beginning of our line of training, eh? Oh, dear. The implications…

                Dooku makes a distraction that forces (get it?) Yoda to save Obi and Ani and let him go. Padmé arrives at the hangar bay just as Dooku leaves and fires at his ship futilely. In orbit, we see several more droid control ships like in the last film. Everyone in Star Wars is an idiot! I hope that doesn’t hold true for the original trilogy. Dooku puts up a solar sail and flies to some other planet (back to Coruscant? Where he could easily be found?) where he meets with Darth Sidious. Sidious calls him Lord Tyranus and is pleased to hear that war has begun—everything is going as planned. I guess Dooku then DOES know Palpatine’s plans? I guess he was lying before.

                Mace, Obi-Wan, and Yoda don’t believe what Dooku said about there being a Sith Lord
in control of the Senate because they assume he is lying. Even though it’s obvious what’s going on!! Windu suggests that they keep a closer eye on the Senate, though, just in case. This investigation goes nowhere, just as their investigation into the events surrounding Darth Maul did. Obi-Wan is glad of their victory thanks to the clones, but Yoda says that the shroud of the Dark Side preventing them from seeing the future is conveniently gone now and that the Clone Wars have just started. He says it in a way that seems as though he is sad of that fact, even though he’s the one who started it with the clone army that he knew was part of a conspiracy. He either intentionally played into Sidious’ hands or is a complete moron. Given this universe’s track record, I’m going to guess the latter.

                Also, Ani and iPad are secretly getting married on Naboo. C-3PO and R2-D2 are there, but they for some reason never bother to tell anybody. Is R2 being deviously silent? If so, it will set the precedent for that during Episodes IV, V, and VI.

                The End!!!!!

TO BE CONTINUED