An Explanation

I've finally decided to explain myself. Even though no one reads this and no one would believe it anyway. But I need to tell someone.

I have always had OCD for as long as I can remember. I always had anxiety with all sorts of things. A need to be perfect in schoolwork, worrying about saying the wrong things, the feeling that I absolutely had to remember everything important. It was hard. Over time, I also developed certain rituals. One of the most common in OCD sufferers is frequent handwashing.

In the last few years, it's been getting worse. I'm worried more and more about germs...

But that is nothing compared to the thoughts. The intrusive thoughts, as they are known, are thoughts of terrible things that stem from OCD. These obsessions don't have a compulsion to go with them. That is, there is nothing I can do to relieve the anxiety stemming from them.

They are unbearable.

They can be of many different things in many people. In me, I'm afraid of intentionally hurting those I love. I know there's no way I would ever do this, but whenever there's a trigger (there are oh so many triggers) it's like a voice is telling me that this will happen, that it's inevitable. That when I'm near them, I will do it.

I know it's nonsense; OCD sufferers generally are aware of how irrational these thoughts are. But they won't stop.

As I said, it's been getting worse. It seems almost anything can get me worrying these days. When I'm anxious enough, I sweat a lot. Given my thoughts, it seems good that I live alone.

I have, in the last few months, discovered the cause of all this. Don't laugh.

It's the shadows. I know, because they told me.

One evening I was reading a book (Frank Herbert's Dune, to be exact, to compare with Star Wars) and motion caught my eye. I looked up but didn't see anything. I thoght I'd imagined it.

When I went into the bathroom, in the dim light I saw my shadow apparently moving independently of me. This, of course, disturbed me. I told myself it was a trick of the light.

That's when two very visible eyes appeared, like points of light. I knew then that I was hallucinating, even though my family had nothing of the sort in its history, nor had I ever taken any illegal substances.

When I was washing my hands, this time, among the urges to wash multiple times and to be extremely thorough, I sensed something else--something new.

"You have seen us," a voice said in the back of my head. "Because we have willed it."

I froze, certain I was losing my grip on reality.

"You are perfectly sane. But you might not be for long."

I heard...I want to say a laugh, but not quite (being inaudible for one thing) and far more terrifying.

"All your life you have tended toward circumstances conducive to us. Now that we have found you, we are using this condition to mold you into the role we desire."

I fled back to my bedroom.

"You cannot escape us. In the light, we are visible, and always present. In the darkness, that is our delight."

I turned on all the lights in the house.

"This is futile," said the voice. "You seeing us will not stop us. Even when you don't notice us, we will be whispering in the dark. Whispering in the deep crevices of your mind. Shaping you against your will. If you attempt to disobey us, we will be forced to...put you in order."

I'm not sure why, but that last phrase is the worst thing ever said to me.

I have since resigned myself to them. They are actually quite amiable when you behave.

I must go now. I may continue this blog in the future, but I have things to do.