And so
it
begins.
begins.
>Deep Breath<
*Siiiiiiiiiiiggggghhh*
So, the
title crawl:
War! Oh, sorry. Wrong one.
Okay,
okay. I’ll stop procrastinating, but can you really blame me? You can? Well, I
don’t care what you think.
According
to the title crawl, there is trouble in the Republic on account of taxation of
trade routes. People apparently hate it. So, the Trade Federation acts calmly
and rationally about it and—blockades the planet of Naboo with deadly
battleships!?
So a
couple of Jedi, Obi-Wan Kenobi and Why-Am-I-Not-Drinking Jinn, are sent to
resolve the issue. Because these wise and battle-ready warrior-monks are who I
would first think to send out to end a taxation dispute. Don’t the Jedi have
more important things to do?
Confused Matthew brought up a good point: if the Trade Federation and Naboo are part of
the Republic, the Republic is sending representatives of the Republic to
negotiate with the Republic about their blockading of the Republic. Wha--???
Anyway,
the film gets off to a fittingly boring start as we see a small ship slowly
approach a space station or something. How’s that for alliteration? The two
Jedi are brought to a room to wait for a meeting with Newt Gingrich or whatever
the guy’s name is.
Obi-Wan:
“I have a bad feeling about this.”
Qui-Gon:
“I don’t sense anything.”
Nice
foreshadowing there. (Hint: It means Jinn’s a terrible Jedi.)
Then
the C-3PO robot that took them there tells the Asian stereotypes that it (she?)
thinks they are Jedi, apparently because they’re wearing robes. Even though
literally everyone in the Star Wars universe wears robes.
Nute contacts
Darth Sidious, a mysterious shadowy figure with a hooded robe and it will soon
be blatantly obvious who he really is. But it will take the Jedi about 15 years
to discover. I think the Jedi aren’t as great as they are made out to be.
Darth
Sidious tells the green guys to put troops on the planet. “Is that legal?” “I
will make it legal.” Thanks for giving away that you’re in the government!
Darth
Sidious also tells them to kill the Jedi. So, what do they do? They alert them
by blowing up the ship they came in on, the noise compelling them to jump to their
feet. Then they pump in a very visible gas and the Jedi hold their breath. But
they don’t have to hold it long, for Nute says, “They should be dead by now.
Destroy what’s left of them.”
Battle
droids are going to shoot their dead bodies. To destroy them. Even though you
think they’re already dead. Okay.
Like I
said, fortunately for the Jedi, they don’t have to hold their breath long,
since Nute apparently waited all of twenty seconds before opening the door. The
battle droids are useless since the Jedi are able to “cut through them like
butter.” Screw you George. How about an actual threat. No? Then what’s the
point of watching these? Oh, right. To ridicule them.
Wait a
second. I’m only 6 minutes in!? This is going to be a long review…
And
another thing, if the Trade Federation really doesn’t want trouble and wants to
make sure they are following Republic laws, then WHY ARE THEY TRYING TO KILL
THE JEDI WHO WERE SENT AS AMBASSADORS AND INVADING NABOO WITH A MASSIVE ARMY!?
That will bring them plenty of trouble! Think, George, think!!
The
Jedi use Force speed to escape Destroyers. This power is never seen, mentioned,
or used again. Convenient!
When
Master Alcoholic starts using his lightsaber to cut through a door, the green
Asian stereotypes whose mouth movements don’t match what they’re saying (ugh)
freak out because that shouldn’t be happening. Then they close another door to
put a second layer to hold them. Jinn keeps coming through. One of them says, “That’s
impossible!” Melting metal with the hot laser swords? Impossible! Doing more of
the same? Even more impossible!!!
This is
still the opening sequence of the film. I’m going to start summarizing for a
little while. More than I already have been, anyway.
Obi-Wan
makes a joke so stupid it’s not worth repeating as Jinn suggests they split up
on different ships and ride them down to the planet to warn the Naboo. Because
arriving WITH the army will certainly give you time to warn them ABOUT it.
Then Queen
Amidala communicates with the Federation and says they’ve gone too far. The
green guys say they would never do anything without the approval of the Senate.
The Senate approved of the Federation blockading one of their own planets? They
approved of the Federation having their own army!?
Hold
on. Wot? Wot did you say? A Queen in the Republic? How does that make…
Meanwhile,
the Federation disrupts communication and the holograms go out. A man with a
beard says, “This can mean only one thing—invasion.” Maybe you just need a
repairman? Or were you already expecting an invasion?
Anyway,
the head of security or whatever says that if they invaded, the Senate would
revoke their trade franchise. Why have they been allowed to go THIS far?
The
droid ships go down and the droids start preparing themselves for war. I have a
question: Why is none of this seemingly advanced technology, especially the
machines being used in such important wars, evident in the original trilogy? It’s like it
never actually existed…
So Jinn
is running on the ground now and literally runs into…Jar Jar Binks…
Jinn
calls Jar Jar brainless, whereupon he insists he can speak and Jinn says, “The
ability to speak does not make you intelligent.” Qui-Gon Jinn is awesome! Or
not.
Obi-Wan
catches up to them and the stupid-looking mass of CGI tells them of a secret
underwater city where his people live where they might be able to get help. The
Jedi put on breathing things over their mouths and follow Jar Jar down to the
not-so-secret-or-deep city. It’s brightly lit and clearly isn’t very deep down,
as their swim lasted only a moment. Why’d they need the breathing masks again?
They
reach the city and simply walk through the force field. How’s it keeping the
water out? Small pressure from human-size beings can go through but all the
pressure from water doesn’t get through?
Jinn
tries to get the Gungan leader to help them by saying what affects one society will
affect the other because the Naboo and Gungans are somehow connected. How can
one have an effect on the other when the Naboo apparently don’t know about the
Gungans, the Gungans hate the Naboo, and have “secret” underwater cities?
The
leader gives them transport and tells them the fastest way to the Naboo is
through the planet core. This means that the Federation landed their troops on
the other side of the planet from their target.
???
Also, how do these Gungans, who
keep to themselves, know Basic?
So there’s a long and unnecessary
chase through the water and Jinn nearly breaks the ship and gets them killed. When
they finally go through the center of the planet and reach their destination,
the army is already there and has captured the Queen. How can an army going by
land over half the planet be faster than the Jedi who took a shortcut through
the core? Think, George, think!
So it turns out that the plan of
the Trade Federation is to invade, then get the Queen to sign a treaty which
will legitimize the occupation. They expect the Senate to ratify this. Why on
earth would the Senate ratify a treaty clearly signed under duress after
blatantly illegal actions have already been taken? The fall of the Republic is
the Republic’s fault! They’re all incompetent!
So the green guys send the Queen to "Camp 4." The Jedi intercept the Queen and
her advisors (why send her away if they want the treaty signed?) and easily
dispatch the droids escorting them. Why is the Federation using useless
machines for their invasion? The only reason they were able to take over the
city is because the Naboo don’t appear to have any kind of defense.
The Queen at first refuses to go,
and wants to stay with her people. At one point in the conversation the Queen
inexplicably looks at one of her handmaidens as if for guidance. Don’t make the
twist too obvious, guys. Also, even Jinn points out the illogical actions of
the Trade Federation.
When they reach the hangar bay,
they are stopped by a droid who asks where they are going. When Jinn for some
reason answers truthfully, the droid quips, “Coruscant? That does not compute.
Oh, wait. You’re under arrest!” A battle droid making a snarky comment? What
the… I thought Star Wars was supposed to be like some great mythical story.
Humans I can understand using sarcasm, like Leia in the original. But droids?
They fight off the droids and get
onto a ship. The blockade starts firing on them and somehow hits the shield
generator. What idiot put the shield generator outside the shield? Who designed
this, Qui-Gon Jinn?
They
send up the repair droids, which happen to include R2-D2. While all his
companions are fired upon and destroyed, R2 doesn’t appear the least bit scared
and manages to fix the problem. But after they get through the blockade they’re
still damaged enough that they need to do repairs on the nearby planet of
Tatooine. Jinn says the Republic doesn’t have control there, as the Hutts do.
The security guy responds, “The Hutts are gangstas!”
In the
meantime the green guys are complaining to Darth Sidious, who is obviously the
same person as Palpatine, that the ship is now out of range. Palpa—Sidious
replies, “Not for a Sith.” Then Darth Maul steps forward. He doesn’t really do
anything until the end, and even then it doesn’t affect the plot much. Nice
writing there, George.
After
they hang up the phone, the green guy says to the green guy that they should
not have made this bargain because there are now two Sith or something. So
dealing with 1 Sith Lord is okay, but not with 2?
For
some reason R2 (a repair droid, mind you) is brought up for the Queen to
congratulate it. Then the decoy tells the real queen Padmé (oops, spoilers…) to
wash off the droid. Why do I get the feeling the decoy doesn’t like Padmé very
much? No wonder in Episode II Padmé—but I’m getting ahead of myself.
Qui-Gon
tells Obi-Wan not to let those on the ship send any transmissions, as they
could be picked up and reveal their location.
So Jinn
and Padmé go into town, for some reason bringing R2-D2 and Jar Jar along when
they accomplish nothing during the Tatooine scenes. As they walk through the
town a very C-3PO-like droid is walking around in the background.
They
decide on one of the smaller dealers and find a blue winged elephant who has
the part they need. While Jinn talks with Watto, Jar Jar acts stupid in the
background at the same time that Watto’s little slave boy asks the Queen—oops,
I mean Padmé—if she’s an angel. They
live on the moons of some planet. She responds appropriately: “You’re a funny
little boy.”
But if
they live on a planet’s moons…angels are an alien species in Star Wars? What.
Jinn
has trouble with the dealer, as he won’t accept credits, since Tatooine is
outside the Republic. As an aside, maybe Naboo is also not part of the
Republic? Then the Trade Federation and blockade thing might make a little more
sense. Anyway, he tries the Jedi mind trick, but it doesn’t work on Watto.
Jinn, how’d you ever become a Jedi Master?
They
leave and Jinn tells Obi-Wan that they don’t have what Watto’s asking for.
Instead of finding another dealer or something, they decide to go to the home
of the annoying little kid, Anakin. There, he reveals that he has built C-3PO
to help his mom. Why build a droid that’s already mass produced? Why not steal
the ship part for the protagonists if he can get this droid and the parts for a podracer without
Watto knowing? How will a protocol droid help with his mom’s slave work? Think,
George, think!
Those
on the ship receive a message that says for the Queen to contact them. Of
course, It’s a trap! So they don’t.
Somehow
the Sith have learned where they are, even though they didn’t send a
transmission through which their location could be traced. Earlier Sidious said
that the ship wasn’t too far for a Sith to trace. So what was the point of the
attempted trap again?
Jinn
and his companions are eating a meal with Anakin and his mother where it is
revealed that slaves have a device in them that will explode if they escape.
Now that that piece of info has been established, it will never come into play.
Have you ever even written a screenplay before this, George? Anakin says that
he wants to free all the slaves on Tatooine someday. This is important later, as
it reflects poorly on the Jedi.
Anakin races
with pod people and somehow has built a podracer without Watto’s knowledge and
they realize they can use it to get the part, pretending that the racer belongs
to Jinn. Padmé doesn’t like this and says the Queen would not approve of
trusting their fate to a boy. Jinn says that the Queen doesn’t need to know.
She says, “I don’t approve.” Stop
making it obvious!
Watto
agrees to front the cash for the betting and gets to keep all of it minus the
cost of the parts Jinn needs.
Jinn
talks to Anakin’s mother about how the Force is strong with him. And then—she
reveals Anakin was conceived without a father. Really, George? *Sigh*
Anakin
and Dumb Dumb work on the podracer and Dumb Dumb manages to shock his tongue so
it goes numb, so he has trouble speaking. I wish his whole mouth went numb for
the rest of this movie and the next one. No; his whole body. Permanently.
They
get the racer working and are ready for the race. Jinn tests Anakin’s blood and
sees that his midichlorian count is over 9000!!!!!! So the Jedi want to take
him.
The
next day Jinn now wants Anakin as part of the deal and Watto eventually agrees.
For some reason the droids are there. As if they need to be present for the
race.
So the
race is about to start. Ridiculous, cartoony aliens are everywhere. Jabba the
Hutt makes an appearance for no reason. There is a fart joke for no reason.
Sebulba sabotages Anakin’s vehicle, like in all clichéd racing movies. Jinn and Padmé and Dumb Dumb and Captain Hook’s
First Mate get into a thing that rises. When Jinn says something about the
Queen, Padmé says, “You
assume too much.” What did I tell you, George!?
in the audience next to Watto?
Why does Anakin’s
helmet look like the pilot helmets worn by the X-Wing fighters in Episode IV?
That is a really pointless call-back (call-forward?). Anyway, the race looks like a videogame;
in fact it looks just like the podracing videogame that was made for the N64!
It even has the same camera angles! And we have to watch it for 10 whole
minutes of the run time.
.\/.
>
/\
At one
point in the race, a pit droid is sucked into a motor but comes out the other
side completely intact!?!? Also, Anakin’s pod starts coming apart but he
doesn’t seem at all bothered by this and fixes it. Yawn. He wins the race.
After
the race, Anakin’s mother tells him that he has brought hope to those who have
none. Huh? What’s she talking about? Anakin has nothing to do with the rest of
the movie.
So they
take Anakin and leave his mother behind. As they are about to board the ship,
Darth Maul attacks, but they easily get away. Again, George, why can’t there be
a credible threat?
They take Anakin to Coruscant. On the way,
Padmé talks to Anakin and he gives her a gift and she says that they’ll be
separated but “my caring for you will remain.” Ani says he cares about her, too. This scene is somehow all that
is needed for them to fall in love instantly when they meet again after 10
years. Totally believable.
On
Coruscant they meet with Chancellor Valorum and Palpatine, the Senator
from...Naboo. So it IS part of the Republic? Then everything goes back to not
making any sense. Also, Jar Jar calls Amidala “bery hot.” *Shudder*
Amidala
and Palpatine have a boring conversation. For some reason, there are nude
statues in the background.
Jinn
tells the Jedi Council of Darth Maul and Anakin. They say the Sith have been
extinct for a millennium. They tell him to bring Anakin before them. Anakin
visits Padmé but she’s “not there” since she’s currently playing the role of
the Queen. Another nude statue in the background.
Then we
see the capital of the Mushroom Kingdom
, where the Senate meets (and has yet
more nude statues outside it).
, where the Senate meets (and has yet
more nude statues outside it).
Palpatine
suggests to Amidala that since the Chancellor doesn’t seem willing to help (I
guess Jedi don’t give credible testimony? Then again, Obi-Wan lies his face off
to Luke…), she should propose a vote of no confidence. Also, the Trade
Federation has a floating circle in the Senate, like the representatives of
various planets do.
We also
find out that Padmé is…an ELECTED QUEEN!?!?
And…E.T.
’s race is part of the Republic!?!?!? O_O
’s race is part of the Republic!?!?!? O_O
All the
races agree to vote for a new Chancellor, even though just moments ago some
supported the Trade Federation’s idea of sending a group to verify what Animalia
said, and which Valorum was going to go along with.
said, and which Valorum was going to go along with.
Obi-Wan
and Jinn wait for Anakin or something, and Obi-Wan says Jinn’s not on the
Council because he doesn’t follow the code. Good call on their part.
The Jedi test Anakin, and he is
strong in the Force.
Palpatine ends up replacing
Valorum. Amidala decides to go back to Naboo. To take care of the problem
herself? Even though her people have no army?
The Council says Anakin is strong
in the Force, but he is too old… He’s
like 9! How’s he too old!? Also, there is another Yoda-like creature in the
background of the Council scenes. Apparently she’s named Yaddle. Anyway, Yoda says, “clouded
this boy’s future is.” Qui-Gon wants to dump Obi-Wan and take Anakin as
apprentice. But they refuse. They want to find out who the attacker was.(Psssst! He’s not important!)
Obi-Wan agrees with the Council
that Anakin is dangerous. Qui-Gon is the only one who can’t feel the trouble
he’ll bring. He’s clearly a bad Jedi Master. Jinn explains to Ani that
midichlorians live in cells and tell people of the Force and allow them to
communicate with it or some nonsense. Why do I get the feeling that George
doesn’t understand the idea of the Force as a spiritual thing, even though he
supposedly invented it?
The pilot shows Ani how the
controls of the ship work. Given what this is setting up, Anakin must have a
photographic memory or something.
The blockade is mysteriously gone
and there is one “droid control ship.” That is a stupid set-up. What if someone
destroys it?...
Qui-Gon tells Obi-Wan that they
can’t use their power to help the Naboo. Why not?
Something that has bothered me
through the whole film is all the ridiculous hairstyles. I mean, what? Oh,
sorry. It’s just that this movie is so boring!!!
Jar Jar reports that his city is
deserted, but they meet in a special place at times of war or something. They
find them and…SURPRISE!!! It turns out Padmé is really Queen Animalia! I, for
one, did not see that coming.
The Gungans agree to help the Naboo
and they wait for the troops of useless droids. They put up a similar shield to
the one outside their city. The droids fire on it, but the blasts don’t go
through. But soon after, the droids just walk through!? Then what’s the bloody
point of having the shield!!? You can’t shoot through either side (or surely
the Gungans would have attacked before the droids got through) yet your enemy
can just waltz right up to you! Think, George, think!
The others are in the city. They
easily (of course) take out the droids and Jinn tells Ani to find cover and
stay there. He hides in one of the ships. (Why’d they bring him to the battle?
Jinn!) All the other ships fly out, and—
Stop using the Wilhelm scream! It’s
painfully obvious now every time it’s used!!
R2-D2 is sucked up into the ship
Ani’s in. Why are there so many ships that use R2 and R4 units in combat, when
as we saw earlier, that’s clearly not R2-D2’s intended purpose?
For some reason Jar Jar has
authority over some of the troops now. When the droids are first activated,
seeing all of them there would be
impressive if we didn’t already know how useless they are. Also, there is much
slapstick, dispelling any remaining tension. On top of all this, no one in this
battle dies, making these scenes pointless.
The Jedi and the Naboo open a door
and Darth Maul is standing on the other side. Instead of shooting him or
capturing him, the Jedi tell the Naboo to leave him to them. The Naboo go
another way, where there are more droids. Anakin starts pushing random buttons
(I guess the scene where he learned starship controls was pointless after all)
and the ship shoots the droids and the automatic pilot takes the ship into
space. The helmet happens to be little Ani’s size.
The Jedi and Maul continue dancing,
I mean fighting, into the city’s power generator.
The pilots are unable to get
through the droid control ship’s defenses. But then the ship Ani’s in somehow
can?
“This is tense!” Thank you for
that, Ani.
“I’ll try spinning. That’s a good
trick!” *Facepalm* Shut up!
The Queen and her entourage get to
a window on a higher level via “ascension guns.” They hold on tight as the
ropes pull them up. For some reason this seems ridiculous, I guess because of
the name.
In the power generator, they get to
a corridor where every few feet red force fields turn on and off at random
intervals, cutting the Jedi and their enemy off from each other. What is the
point of these red blinking things? And why doesn’t Obi-Wan use Force speed to
get over and help his Master?
In the Gungan battle, the shield
goes down and they all freak out, even though it was useless in the first
place. Then, when Jar Jar’s clumsiness causes blue energy balls to fall to the
ground, rolling around and destroying the droids, there are cartoon sound
effects. Goodbye any pretension of seriousness!!!
Is it just me or is the CGI getting
worse as the movie comes to a close?
Somehow Ani gets into the control
ship. The Naboo are surrounded by droids. Jinn is stabbed by Maul.
The battle droids take the Gungans as prisoners, even though they were ordered to kill them. The Queen and everybody with her
are taken to the throne room where the Viceroy of the Trade Federation is. There are guns in the throne armrest and they
use them to gain the upper hand.
Anakin manages to blow up the
control ship and escapes. “Now this
is podracing!” No it isn’t! Also, why does Anakin get the credit when the
autopilot and R2 did most of the work?
The droids on the ground fall apart
even though they simply lost power. Obi-Wan kills Darth Maul and he falls down
a shaft. Obi-Wan promises a dying Jinn
that he will train Anakin.
When the green guys are arrested
they never spill the beans on Sidious for some reason.
Yoda begrudgingly allows Obi-Wan to
train Anakin. They burn Qui-Gon Jinn’s body. Yoda and Mace discuss the fact
that there are always two Sith. One is still out there…
Then there’s a stupid celebration
scene in which the Naboo and Gungans raise up a glowing orb together. For some
reason there is Not-Yoda standing next to Yoda.
And in the credits: Jabba the
Hutt….as Himself. *Sigh*
Finally! This stupid movie is over
with!!!
TO BE CONTINUED
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