Good news! That girl came to my house! (Though I don't know how she found it...)
She said she forgave me for pushing her, as long as I didn't do it again. I agreed, though I don't know if I can be certain of that, since I actively, intentionally hurt hurt her! I feel sick to my stomach.
She also said I should adopt her. I haven't had a child before, and this precious little girl is so sweet and doesn't have anywhere else to go, so I agreed to this also.
Did you know, she doesn't even have a name?
I don't know what I'll call her yet.
I just tucked her in a short time ago in the guest room. There's something bad, though. Aside from me acting out my fears. My intrusive thoughts in general are acting up more than they have been lately. I keep having ideas that I might harm her again, but worse. What if I kill her in her sleep via suffocation? Or what if she comes out in the middle of the night to get some water and I happen to be standing near the kitchen knives or something? It's tearing me up inside. I feel sick.
I just wanna cry. I feel so horrible. I just wanna die.
Huh completely lucid and understanding of her status one moment and then suddenly completely oblivious the next?
ReplyDeleteInteresting.
I recommend checking your blog about 2 posts back.
Not trying to help but I am curious how this will work.